Trust Me
by exmovere
Summary: I can trust no one: not myself, not my past, not my friends, not my enemies. The closest thing I have to a companion is a facade created for pure vengeance. I am but a shell that carries HIS soul.


**Disclaimer:** I do not, and have never, owned Kuroshitsuji or any of its characters! The only thing I have is my plot line.

This is the first chapter of something I've been working on for three months. While there will be romantic elements in this piece (as it does very much effect the plot), I wanted to actually write this piece to explore the affects of traumatic experiences on survivors and their relationships with people. Naturally, being the devious Kuroshitsuji fan I am, I could think of no characters better to work with.

But enough of this chitchat. I've kept you long enough. Please enjoy and please take the time to review! Thank you.

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**WARNING: **THIS STORY CONTAINS HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS, DETAILED SEXUAL CONTENT, TRIGGERS AND SOME DARKER THEMES. IF YOU ARE BOTHERED BY, HAVE A PROBLEM WITH OR MAY BE TRIGGERED BY ANYTHING MENTIONED, PLEASE PAUSE YOUR EYES HERE AND SEARCH ELSEWHERE FOR A MORE SUITED STORY. THANK YOU.

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The leaves fell from the branches of the trees high up in the sky, raining down on Ciel as he laid aimlessly in the open field adjacent to his manor. It was chilly that early morning and the sun only peeked over the horizon shyly, teasing the dewy grasses with slight warmth. He himself couldn't tell whether it was hot or cold, or even night or day.

For once, the young boy, now at the ripe age of sixteen, was blissfully escaping the world around him with his daydreams. He stretched his arms out farther as to ease himself more comfortably into his position. He had been there for a good thirty minutes now and had barely moved a single muscle since sitting down.

There was just too much to think about it.

The morning birds began to sing tiny, delicate harmonies to awaken the rest of the world along with them. They flew up and out into the dawn to most likely seek so small bugs or berries to feed to their children or companions. A slight smile grew on his face as he listened to their songs. They reminded them of his mother's lullabies, which he had very vague memories of but could still somehow remember, even if only a note or two.

His father never would sing to him but would instead take him on long walks through the woods. Vincent Phantomhive, the late owner of the Fantom Company, had always loved the childish and playful nature of the outdoors and would draw inspiration not only from the animals but from the sights and smells themselves. He would often take little Ciel with him on these adventures to show him around the area and educate him on some of the local animals.

He remembered very little of those times. Ciel bit his bottom lip in frustration. It irritated him to no end to think that he had been forced to abandon his innocence and naivety at such a young age. Perhaps he could have been a happy, joyous boy if things hadn't happened the way they had.

But as they say, not everyone gets to have a fairy tale ending.

Instead, Ciel had found his entire home burning to the ground. He could remember the smell of the wood burning. The fire had been so suffocating, leaving nothing untouched in its path, sucking away the last of the happiest times Ciel was able to cling unto. What was worst was that he had also lost his parents in the awful _accident_—he nearly gagged at the word—and had been forced into an underground world that he couldn't fully understand still.

However, as of late, pieces and bits had started to come back together. It was the reason he had stopped meeting with clients; he had also become accustomed to shooing away his trustworthy butler Sebastian, which was incredibly serious considering the demon never left his side for more than a few hours at the most.

It started off with a simple dream: he had been strapped down to the floor and someone was trying to touch his face, perhaps suffocate him. He couldn't remember faces or really any big details, but the feeling he experienced left his heart clenched up tight. He heard himself shrieking and sobbing hysterically. Someone was hurting him—touching him. When the panic became to much, Ciel would awaken in a state similar to paralysis.

He didn't talk about the dreams with anyone and carefully avoided leaving his journal out in the open. He couldn't make sense of the things he could feel in his body. Those old pains that had crept up on his slowly, taking gentle nips at first until they finally sink their teeth into your heart. Then you remember things you don't want to.

The dreams became more vivid in detail within weeks of them beginning. Fires, rusty chains that scratched his arms. Older men with sweaty palms. He struggled in their grasps, tried to ignore the ropes and whips. They branded him, scarring his skin forever. He had thought the trauma had only been a flesh wound.

He was starting to think it went deeper.

Ciel wasn't sure what words to use to describe his situation. Some obvious signs of delayed trauma. Anxiety. Nightmares. Flashbacks. But it was all so sudden. He used to shrug it off. He hadn't wanted it to define him.

For a brief moment, he hoped the ground would swallow him. It wasn't because he felt suicidal or wished to die, but rather the want to fall into a deep sleep where he was only surrounded by his day dreams and warm fuzzy feelings that sometimes would creep upon him.

Even in his happy place far away from the walls of his cursed home, the anxiety began to sneak up on him. He sat up immediately and looked around. There were no signs of any threatening life forms. This eased some of the tension but he wasn't taking any chances.

The young master pushed himself up effortlessly. The journey back would be sufficient enough to take away the rest of his worries. He swallowed hard and drew in a large breath to prepare himself. Somewhat relaxed, the dark-haired boy started towards the edge of the wood that would guide him to the path which would leave him to the gardens.

* * *

There are things you just can't explain and questions that need no answers. Yet, there was a single question that had somehow blurred the mind of the usually relaxed demon, Sebastian: what was going on in his master's head?

He had begun noticing the distress written all over Ciel's face about six months ago. The furrowed eyebrows, lost expression, pale skin. At first, the butler had merely assumed it was normal stress.

His young master was strong and proud, but even the strong grow weary. Running an entire business at his young age, he had thought, was starting to get to him.

However, the look on the boy's face never grew better. In fact, other odd signs started showing. He never finished his meals and. on several occasions, outright refused to eat for days at a time claiming he had no appetite. Ciel's eyes grew tired and blank. There were no traces of light anywhere in his face. No smirks. No humor.

But still his master never said anything to indicate that anything was going on so Sebastian was forced to watch him begin to shut down.

His eyes seemed to sink into his face. The meat on his bones had thinned. He trapped himself up inside his study or bedroom without any words said to anyone. And that was a normal day for him. And more shockingly, the scent of Ciel's soul had changed.

The demon clenched his jaw at the thought of it. It had been such a strong, bloodthirsty and tragic soul rich in pride but something was sucking away at the pride and strength, leaving the soul dry and full of sorrow.

Sebastian, who was cooking crepes for the young master's breakfast, tried his best to focus on his cooking. He shouldn't have been so concerned about feelings of a mere human. It was idiotic. Ciel was supposed to be only a soul to feast upon… yet, things within him were slowly transforming.

It seemed that the demon had begun to actually care for his young master. He tried to blame it on being around his addictive soul for too long but that would be a lie. Everything about his master was beautiful. His soft skin, sad eyes and silky hair. His long limbs and luscious thighs. Tight rear and stomach. Yes… yes, his young master was very _very _delicious. But he was ashamed of those urges. There would be no point in growing so attached to the intellectual, merciless and beautiful Ciel.

But damn did that boy tempt him.

He licked his lips as he flipped the final crepe. The crepes were going to be filled with a sweet, thick cream and sprinkled with mashed berries mixed with a tiny amount of cane sugar. He paired them with a small bowl of cottage cheese and small pieces of cantaloupe and mango.

Sebastian turned to check on the boiling water that would be used for the morning tea. He had chosen a French mix of lilac petals and herbs that tasted like oranges. Perhaps the flavors would give his master some little spark.

It made him feel sick to think about the state of dismay Ciel was in. He _wanted_ to understand it. He _needed_ to fix it.

Without another thought or consideration, the demon decided he would bring it up in discussion when he first saw Ciel that morning.

* * *

_Distant laughter. Echoes._

_ A match is lit. Torches burn. The smell of mildew and spilled ale burns his nose._

_ He gags. His skin is cold._

_Their eyes burn holes into his exposed flesh—hungry, they lick their lips, smiles teasing their faces in smug admiration of the innocence he has to offer._

_He lies in the fetal position, nude and damp. _

_Shivers of fear rack his body. _

_He's too afraid to look away from them. _

_He wants his mom and dad. _

_Someone grabs his arms. A bloodcurdling scream escapes his dry lips but falls upon deaf ears. _

_Slimy tongue against his neck. Young Ciel squirms, pleading with both man and God for mercy from a fate so awful as his._

_His legs are spread. Fingers toy with his limp manhood. He wants it all to stop. They keep laughing, their words drunken slurs full of vulgarity and sin. A big man with flushed skin, a long face and thinning scalp places himself between his thighs. _

_'Scream for me. I want to hear you cry,' he says before he pushes in._

_Hopeless._

_ Forsaken. _

_Young. Broken._

_He stops crying. His body falls limp. His vision begins to blur as the pain subsides. Their voices blocked out by the ringing in his ears, Ciel detaches his mind from his body and wanders into an empty void of shadows and mock reality with cheap glamour. _

_The ache in his chest makes it hard for him to breathe. Someone grabs his hair and yanks him sharply back into Hell. Two fat fingers jam themselves down his throat._

_Hell smiles back at his swollen lips, bruised body, glazed over expression and sweaty skin. The walls begin to fall. His heart beats hard against his ribs until he swears they're cracking. He somehow forgets to breathe and begins to gasp for air. He's suffocating, _

_He tries to scream but to his horror, no sound escapes him. The pain cuts deeper. The images around him darken to black. Perhaps he's drowning. Or falling. But he is lying down staring up into nothing, paralyzed. There must be something sitting on his chest. He can't breathe. _

_His thoughts become incomplete. His throat grows raspy but still he screams, though nothing is heard. _

_This is what death feels like it, he thinks, I'm dying. They've killed me._

_It's too much. He wants desperately to break free and move again. Ciel struggles, pulling in full force until he can't take it anymore and he feels as though he's finally going to explode._

* * *

Ciel's eyes shot open. He realized almost immediately he needed more air in his lungs.

Taking in slow, deep breaths, his panicked eyes searched the room slowly to take in his surroundings. He was in his bed in his bedroom. The sunlight poured through his windows to light up the room. _It must be the afternoon_, he thought.

When he felt he had regained control of his body and breathing, Ciel sat up to sit more comfortably. His memory of the nightmare, however, still burned strong in his mind. He cursed beneath his breath. That had been the worse one yet. He was almost sure he had had a panic attack in his sleep somehow, if that were even possible.

He wordlessly played with his hair to soothe some of his panic. _It was just a dream_. A dream that had nearly given him a heart attack. A grimace crossed his features. What a rude awakening.

"Young master." The door was cracked open and Sebastian's head was peeking through. Ciel immediately straightened up into a more dignified posture. He instinctively looked away from his demon butler.

"Come in." His voice, he had hoped, sounded normal. Ciel wished he hadn't decided to go back to sleep after his early morning walk in the field. He could have avoided all of this so easily. Sebastian bowed his head respectfully and sauntered in, easily shutting the door and balancing a silver tray with his breakfast on one hand.

_Show off,_ he thought bitterly.

The butler placed the tray on his young master's lap carefully and took a step back. "Today's breakfast—"

Ciel cut him off, "Thank you but I won't be eating this morning. I have no appetite." He took a shaky breath. The food looked delicious but the idea of eating made him nauseous.

Two odd colored eyes fell upon the dark-haired demon in disguise. Sebastian's face looked very unamused.

"My apologies, but I must insist you eat this morning," his butler replied quietly, bowing his head ever so slightly.

"I'm not hungry," Ciel argued. "I have no desire to eat today."

"You haven't eaten properly in over six months, my lord. At this rate, you'll starve yourself and no respectable Phantomhive butler would allow such circumstance to occur."

Ciel frowned in irritation. Since when was _he _calling the shots? "Yeah? And why do you care anyway, hm?" He looked at Sebastian with a cold glare. "I'm just a meal to you. Don't confuse our relationship for friendship."

He thought that would be the end of the conversation. Silly of him to assume that the conversation would be over after such a harsh comment, right?

Sebastian moved fast, whipping the tray from the lap of his master. Glass scattered across the floor. Ciel had no time to yell or even process what had just happened; Sebastian was suddenly over him, his legs on either side of him, lips merely inches apart from his, eyes glowing a dangerous red.

He struggled to keep his expression together. Something deep within him wanted him to scream and stop it immediately. But the look in Sebastian's eyes commanded him not to open his mouth at all. He decided to stay as still as possible and never blink an eye. He had never seen his butler in this state before; there was no way of him knowing what the demon was capable of.

When Sebastian spoke finally after cruelly merely glaring down at him for a moment, goose bumps rose on his skin immediately and his blood ran cold by the icy threat in his voice. "You have no idea who you're dealing with, do you?"

Ciel did not speak or move an inch. He was truthfully terrified. Silence seemed to be the answer.

"You may be my _master_," he said in low growl, inching closer to Ciel's lips. He snapped his eyes closed. Ciel tried to stay focused on his silence. "But I'm the one with the power. I'm the **real** one in control. And you will not tell me how I feel ever. I easily overpowered you without any real effort…"

His words drifted off. Ciel opened his eyes when a wet tongue darted against his. His bottom lip was immediately grabbed by the demon's teeth. He nibbled teasingly slow and hard. Ciel couldn't help but shudder. He was overcome with an overwhelming and warm sensation.

He gasped when Sebastian finally kissed him firmly and fully. His body felt hot. He wanted to protest and make it stop, but something within him wouldn't let him. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around his butler's neck to pull in him closer.

For once in his life, he didn't want to think. He wanted to act blindly. Ciel had always felt like a cadged bird. Trapped by his memories and his destiny, he was to be the ultimate tragedy. He would die young and in vain. His soul was no longer his. He was merely a shell carrying it now. But in that moment, Ciel wanted to feel something _real_.

Sebastian noticed, his eyebrows raising in surprise, but deepened their kiss by dominating the young boy's mouth with his tongue. A mere blanket separated them. Ciel was quick to move it with one hand as the other ran down the demon's back. Once the blanket was pulled away, the boy swiftly grabbed the man's hips and pulled so that they were closer.

A growl fell from Sebastian's lips. He pulled up and gazed down lustfully at his young master, a dangerous smirk on his face. Ciel dared to challenge his look with one that was so flushed and out of breath that the demon could only think to devour him whole immediately.

He made fast work and went straight for his neck, roughly nipping the skin with his slightly pointed teeth, earning a string of mewls from his tiny lover. His young master was not being lazy, however, and had already begun to work his jacket off from his being.

The room grew hot around them, the sun raining down on them, the dry summer air pouring through the windows. It smelled of freshly cut grass, probably due to Finny's wonderful ability to get most of the hard gardening done before the day got too hot.

Ciel grew frustrated with the buttons and began to pull the fabrics apart, popping the buttons open until Sebastian's toned chest was revealed. His hands roamed over the new found territory shyly. He felt large beneath his hands. Sebastian sat up abruptly, pulling his master up with him. He pulled Ciel's nightgown from over his head quickly. Red eyes hungrily looked over his small frame, licking his tongue in anticipation. "You're beautiful, young master. I'm not sure how I will ever be able to contain myself."

The boy turned his head bashfully. "Shut up."

Sebastian merely smirked at his master's obvious shyness. He eased Ciel back down and kissed him hungrily on the lips, his fingertips lightly teasing the bare stomach beneath him. Ciel shuddered at the warm sensation growing in him. It was a foreign feeling but he liked the way things made him feel.

His kisses moved lower, each kiss teasing Ciel's body as Sebastian passed his collarbone to his nipples. Sebastian took one into his mouth; he earned a breathy moan from the small boy beneath him. He made his movements agonizingly slow. Ciel grew restless beneath him.

"Sebastian," he growled, taking a handful of the demon's locks to pull him to his eye level. Sebastian's eyes were a frightening red. He suppressed the urge to shudder. "Stop teasing me."

A cracked smile crossed the looks of his butler. He seemed amused with his order but dutifully replied, "Of course, my lord."

Things changed. Sebastian nipped at Ciel's nipples roughly, ignoring the shocked cries that escaped his lips. His hands reached down to fondle the boy's manhood, squeezing lightly but firmly. Ciel wrapped his arms around Sebastian's neck once more and let out a moan. It all felt so good. He wanted more.

To his surprise, he didn't have to say anything to get Sebastian to give him more; the demon had slid down his body. Shyly, Ciel peered down into the lustful eyes of his soon to be lover as Sebastian took his erection into his mouth. He nearly jerked his body. It was so warm and moist.

"S-Sebastian," he groaned. His fingers tangled themselves into the thick hair of his butler as he moved his head up and down, occasionally swirling his tongue over the head of his erection.

He closed his eyes and let the world around him fade away. His body was clenching up as the warm feeling within began to grow with intensity. His moans grew louder and wild, "Sebastian!" He was panting for air but it was so worth it.

"Oh God—" Two slender fingers were thrust into his mouth before he had the chance to finish.

"God has nothing to do with the way you feel." Sebastian's words were low, dangerous and husky. "Now suck."

Ciel eagerly sucked on the fingers until he felt them be tugged away from his mouth. He looked down once more. Sebastian was watching him. He felt a finger slip inside of him. The uncomfortable pain shot through him. He wiggled his body.

"Relax, young master. I promise the feeling will get better." Sebastian pumped his finger into his mercilessly. The boy moaned as his finger brushed something inside him, his hips jerking up almost automatically. That was when Sebastian added the second finger and blew Ciel's mind. He fucked him fast and deep, brushing against the sensitive spot repeatedly.

His whole body shook. His eyes were snapped shut. Sweat beads decorated his forehead. Whimpers escaped his lips. He felt like he was going to fall off the edge of something when Sebastian suddenly pulled his fingers out.

He opened his eyes, ready to protest at the sudden loss of the feeling but the look in Sebastian's eyes stopped him. Something in the burning gaze of his butler told him it wasn't quite over.

Sebastian wordlessly stripped himself from the rest of his clothes. He stood before him, unashamed and proud, with a teasing smirk on his face. Ciel nearly gasped at the sight of him. He was beautiful.

When Sebastian laid down on top of him and kissed him, Ciel felt his stomach tighten in knots. He knew what was coming next. However, something in the back of the mind couldn't grasp the full situation.

That's when he felt Sebastian enter him without warning. A hot pain shot through him. He immediately hissed, digging his nails into his lover's back. His butler moved slowly at first, gently rocking his hips into his until the pain was replaced by an overwhelming pleasure.

When he moaned, Sebastian took it as a sign to speed up his thrusts, pounding into his lover with full force. Ciel couldn't grasp reality anymore. His vision began to blur. He threw his head back and tried to spread his legs wider. The feeling was so _fucking_ _good_.

"You're so soft…" He heard his butler grunt. Goosebumps rose on his skin. Something about that made him open his eyes again. Suddenly, it wasn't Sebastian on top of him. It was a random man with a fat face and droopy look in his eyes. He was sucking on his chest as he fucked him and Ciel could feel himself grow sick.

He knew it wasn't real. He tried to close his eyes and focus on the feeling building up inside of him again, but to no avail. Ciel's mind was in a frenzy. _Soft. Tight. Beautiful_. He could remember them moaning their profanities into his ear.

Ciel pushed on Sebastian's chest. "Stop."

"Young master?"

"Stop! Stop! Don't touch me!" He wasn't in his room anymore. He was back in the darkness surrounded by their perverted glares. He felt hands on his wrist. Ciel moved away. "Stop! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"

"Ciel."

He began to flail his limbs to get away from his captors. They were getting closer. Their eyes on fire, smiles a blaze. He kept screaming. He couldn't breathe anymore. He was suffocating.

"Ciel, Ciel!" He opened his eyes. Sebastian had his wrists in his hands. He opened his mouth to speak but his whole body felt weak. Without a single thought, Ciel closed his eyes again and tried to count in his head. _1, 2, 3_. Over and over the mantra relayed in his head, easing him out of his flashback.

"I'm okay," he whispered, "I'm okay."

"Young master…"

"I said I was okay!" Ciel snatched his wrists from Sebastian. He snarled in irritation. He didn't want to talk about it.

* * *

Well, what did you think? It was really hard to write some of these moments (such as the flashback in the middle of intercourse) since I've personally experienced such problems in my own lifetime, but like I said, I'm really trying to explore this from the outside looking in.

I feel as though the lemony parts could have been better. Yet I ask that you be kind. I haven't written a scene like that in almost year so I'm a little rusty. Again, I _request_ that you leave your thoughts/comments/concerns in the reviews. The feedback will help me perfect my skill and motivate me to continue.

Until next time.


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